I felt so sad when I read Amanda’s entry. It feels like that when someone you love went through hurt and there was little you could do. I felt like that when my sister told me that her classmate called her fat, in Pri 6 I think. The entry was so frank, so poignant and a little bittersweet. I don’t think I would be brave enough to pack away such emotions. Whenever Winnie and I argue, it brings a huge sinking feeling to my heart and I will feel horribly distracted. We have never lasted more than 1 day before making up. There was Once. 5 days. And in a way I was relieved to have that 5 days, because it meant that I have the ability to spend 5 days independent of him, not physically, but emotionally. It set me thinking, maybe I can go on longer and I will forget him- coming from frustration and anger we both shared. But there were always problems to talk through and to work on, because we don’t want to give up. Taking on a long- distance relationship with only 3 months of knowing each other as foundation must have been trying on Chan and Amanda. I look down on the person for giving it all up, for behaving dishonestly and not having the decency to keep promises- I feel sad that the shining friend whom I use to respect has became so tarnished in my heart. I don’t even think I can see you without thinking about the hurt the other went through.
I understand the difficulties. I do. Many times, I imagine alot, so in every quarrel I have with Winnie, I have lots to imagine and somehow my mind paints him blacker than he really is(which is already quite black =P). Then, it is easy to white- wash it again- a casual pat on the head or going ‘ok I am wrong. I will do better’(even when it is not his fault, then I will feel guilty and sorry for being difficult); the funniest would be the puppy- eyed ‘I love you very much dear’- it is so impossible to resist. When I feel miserable, I need to snuggle and just feel abit baby-ish and pathetic, it’s a very odd feeling to put away the independence and know that it is just between the both of you. In that way, I feel the difficulty that Amanda and Chan had- they were in different places and it was hard to get comfort from the other person. Each party had to try harder to convey emotions and love through MSN, Skype, emails, phone call, governed by distance and that he/she might not even be there when you need someone to be- raising suspicions, questions and doubts about the relationship. Still, I would feel terrible and angry just for the fact that it was so easy for Chan to let go.
I remember the start and I remember the end. We became friends and sisters through Phuket. I remember how we had our Ya- Ya Sisterhood, spending our time teasing the Leongs. I remember our mad shopping trips. I remember how terrific Dalun and Chan were at bringing us to places. I remember Chan’s dare to bungy jump and even more, the triumphant feeling when I did. I remember jie jie and I- with our red and purple bikini wraps which Chan looked the sexiest in. Out of nowhere, a weird image of Cheryl on top of Dalun comes into my mind. I remember the first Thai girl show with Chan, when the Ping Pong from the woman’s vagina bounced next to Chan’s cup. Chan and I called Amanda ‘jie jie’, because Cheryl called her jie jie too. We swam almost everyday at the hotel. Chan will continue for 20mins without stopping; I will try to beat him at breaststroke; Jiejie will assume her ‘Banyan tree’ position. Those are times when we got closer- the evenings that we spent at the pool became our little tradition.
Before Amanda went back to NZ- the hotel stay at Marina Mandarin, high teas, chocolate buffet, playing and eating, swimming at JCC. I remember how it all started with Chan and Amanda bluffing me that they got together, so that they will have an excuse to meet Winston. The funniest thing was that Winston and I weren’t even a couple yet and Chan will always make comments about how he and jie jie were closer than us. I remember how the pretend couple became real. How the couple was so sweet, how it turned sour, how it became dishonest and now, one full year later, it all ended. I do wonder how it will be if it never started, if we still had Team Phuket….
But I feel happy for jie jie, that she packed it all away and it made her stronger. Yay! She will be in law school for one semester of exchange and we will have so much fun at BTC- studying, shopping, feasting, high teas and a lovely friendship.
Some memories that I really cherished from last december- at the beach in phuket, choc buffet at fullerton, sleepover at Marina Mandarin.
When we were skinny:
Then we got fat:
And we went crazy:
